But first…coffee

My body is set to wake up early, particularly at 5 AM. No matter how late I slept the night before, my body knows the call time. Waking up that early doesn’t mean getting up, for me at least, I wake up that early because I need enough time to think before setting off to daily human duties. I hate rushing off things, I hate rush hours, I hate “rush” in general. Basically, my mind is conditioned to stay in bed for an hour after waking up to think and plan. Think about the things you did, things that need to be done, plan for the day, but most of the time, daydream about my ideal life.

I remember one time when my mother made an unsolicited remark about this habit. She told me that ever since I was a kid, I was always this dainty girl with slow calculated moves and who’s detached from reality. Even now, each time she caught me looking from afar, she always jolts me from my imagination by saying “Please come down from your imaginary tree.” or each time I am being indecisive she laments by saying “You’re not going to win life if you’re that slow in deciding even with menial things.” I always end up disappointed.

I have to say that life, my life, is always way better in my head. In my head, I hold the console. In my head, I don’t have to rush. The idea of having the control over your surrounding makes it easier to live and deal with everyday shenanigans. It is easier to pursue goals and dreams in a world without bumps and stop signs on the road. It is better to have control over everything when you are easily distracted with even small shiny chances. It is better to have control when you’re too chickenshit and emotional over almost everything.

I hate rush because it equates to having to do things you don’t feel like doing but you have no other choice because it has a time limit. I hate rush because it doesn’t give me the liberty to sit and think over and over before engaging into its appropriate first move. I am a deliberate believer of the domino effect and touch-move rule because I’d like to believe that life is a pattern set with secret codes you need to carefully decode so you will not ruin it. And that requires a good amount of critical thinking and not a spur of the moment decisions. I’d like to insist that life would be better if rush and time are out of the context.

But… unfortunately, “real” life is not set like that.

Real life is doing all the shitty things because you have to function appropriately within the standards. Real life is doing all the shitty things because it has deadlines like thesis paper and school assignments. Real life is doing all the shitty things because you need to graduate, get a stable job, in order to have the standard ideal life. Real life is doing all the shitty things because real life is all about doing shitty things. And by shitty things I mean things that are labeled as “requirements”.

In fact, writing this post is a school requirement. At least here, I have the freedom to write about things I consider that matters. After this, I have countless requirements to finish, like my thesis paper that is due tomorrow.

*heavy sigh*

But first….coffee.

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